


A Padawan's lesson

by NyeLung



Series: In all of us [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Obi-Wan Kenobi of the disaster lineage, Philosophy, The Force as Eldritch Horror (Star Wars), fluffy goodness with horrible implications of horribleness, semi-eldritch Mace Windu, this should be an archive warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29463213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyeLung/pseuds/NyeLung
Summary: "Padawan," Master Depa suddenly speaks up, "what is the most dangerous to a Jedi?"Usually it's him asking the questions to the point that Grey and Styles make fun of him. "I don't know, Master. The Sith?""Are they?"The one-shot where Caleb learns of the dangers to a Jedi, Obi-Wan is a disaster, semi-eldritch entities can be calmed with tea and philosophy is a headache.
Relationships: Depa Billaba & Kanan Jarrus, Depa Billaba & Mace Windu, Kanan Jarrus & CT-1157 | Stance
Series: In all of us [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2164068
Comments: 19
Kudos: 54





	A Padawan's lesson

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nsmorig](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nsmorig/gifts).



> Ok, so, I know that this is rated as T because while the topic and some parts are on the heavier side, I don't think it's enough to justify an M-rating (although I don't mind being corrected there). Anyway. **Mind the tags if you have a problem with the kind of horror that lies in the more eldritch side of things even if they aren't really spoken about. Much.**
> 
> And thank you, nsmorig and Narina for listening to my yelling about this. Again.^^

# A Padawan's lesson

Caleb can feel the thrumming of hyperspace engines even as he meditates suspended in mid-air. Master Depa is insistent that he keeps up levitation practice. At first, he had thought it boring but... it's a whole different thing when he's not doing it alone but with his Master. And it's even better when they use this practice by jumping out of high buildings.

He loves the rush of air past him while the planet draws them in and the sensation in his mind when the Force flows through him as he stops his fall.

"Padawan," Master Depa suddenly speaks up and Caleb just so doesn't fall, "what is the most dangerous to a Jedi?"

Usually it's him asking the questions to the point that Grey and Styles make fun of him. "I don't know, Master. The Sith?"

"Are they?" Caleb cracks open one eye to see that Master Depa is looking at him in contemplation. "What makes the Sith the most dangerous?"

He doesn't know that either. Caleb knows the legends, of course, and he knows that the legends are a bit more real than legends because they are fighting the Sith now, aren't they? "Because they want to kill all the Jedi?"

"Is that-?" Master Depa is interrupted by her comm chiming with the alarm for a scheduled Council session. They're already dropping out of hyperspace because Commander Grey knows Master Depa's schedule just as good if not better than her. "We'll continue this at another time. Until then I want you to think on it. Maybe ask some friends."

Caleb can't really ask 'some friends' while they are in the Outer Rim. He could probably open a comm line to the Temple and ask for Sammo or Tai but he still remembers their rejection when he had been chosen by Master Depa and that's not something he wants to think about right now. So he's sitting in a corner of the refectory all by himself and tries to figure out what Master Depa meant with that question.

"Hey, kid, why so glum?"

"Don't call me-" Caleb stops mid-sentence. "What is that?"

Stance proudly presents a bucket made from... it looks like a droid's chassis and inside that bucket sits a plant. "That is a flower for the general. What do you think?"

He thinks that it's weird. More than weird, actually. Not the fact that a droid's chassis is being used as a flower pot but that Stance is gifting a flower to Master Depa. "It's nice?" It looks nice, at least. The flower looks fragile, stems thinner than Caleb's braid and leaves that he can see through. The petals, though, the petals are nice, the same blue as Master Depa's lightsaber. "Where did you get that?"

"Oh, that's one of the clankers we blasted on Kardoa." He turns the bucket to show off where they managed to close the hole left by a blaster bolt.

"No, I mean, where did you get the flower? And why?" It's... Caleb has heard enough biases about clones being just like droids and he knows that they aren't but this... this is more than just being a person. "I mean, why do you want to gift Master Depa a flower?"

"Oh, that flower is also from Kardoa. We picked it up in the aftermath." Stance's shoulders drop a little and his Force presence dims. "You think the general won't like it?"

"She'll love it." And that's not something Caleb says just to make Stance happy again. "I'm just... confused."

"It was Mixx's idea. He's got some friends in the Five-O-First and they said that nat-borns show their gratitude with gifting flowers." Stance looks at Caleb expectantly.

Oh. "Er... yes. Yes, we do that." This is so weird, Caleb thinks, but Master Depa will surely like it. And she'll think the droid chassis made flower pot to be adorable. Oh, yeah, Master Depa had a task for him. "Say, Stance, what is the most dangerous to a Jedi?"

"I don't know." He shrugs and the tiny blue petals flutter with the motion. "A false friend, I think. You Jedi always look at the front and leave your backs open."

It... sounds reasonable but Caleb has the feeling that Master Depa is looking for a different answer. "Thanks, Stance." Caleb clears his throat. "Er, Master Depa is in a Council meeting right now, so I guess if you gift her the flower afterwards, it'll work best."

"Nothing like a gift after long and tiring meetings."

They laugh together and Caleb swallows down the bad feeling in his throat.

They don't get to meditate even after that Council meeting. There's new orders and they are sent to reinforce the Third Systems Army under command of Master Kenobi. It's... it's awesome. Caleb loves serving with and learning from Master Depa but Master Kenobi's always in the thick of it and he can feel the difference. He should be afraid because there's a good chance that they're going to run into Grievous and one of Count Dooku's dark side adepts but instead he's brimming with energy.

Master Kenobi notices, of course. "Depa, didn't you say you're working on Soresu right now?"

"Yes, we are indeed." Master Depa smiles and nudges Caleb in the Force. "Of course, I am better versed in Vaapad so if the inofficial Master of Soresu wants to have a go... Padawan, what do you think?"

And so Caleb finds himself being shot at by Marshall Commander Cody. It's not like he hasn't heard the gossip of the disaster lineage – although no one wants to admit that that would include Master Yoda – coming from Count Dooku and now ending in Ahsoka Tano. Caleb just didn't think that the disaster part was meant so literal. But... here he is. Master Kenobi has taken a look at his form, at his sequences and then decided that the best way to continue from here is to have him practice with someone actually shooting at him and there's no training droids here... Master Depa has smiled and encouraged him and it feels so wrong that he's being shot at by one of their troopers and there's that bad feeling again.

"That's enough, Cody."

The trooper nods and puts away the blaster. "Good job, Commander. Quick on your feet."

Caleb's mind is already half-way to making his mouth say that he's not a kid until he registers that Marshall Commander Cody did not call him kid and that makes the praise sound even better.

"He's right, young one," Master Kenobi agrees. "Depa is training you well and if you keep up you may as well surpass me."

There's another nudge in the Force by Master Depa accompanied by an urge to ask Master Kenobi. Ask him what?, Caleb sends back before he figures it out. Oh. "Master Kenobi, what do you think is most dangerous to a Jedi?"

Master Kenobi does that thing where he strokes his beard in contemplation. "The dark side of the Force," he settles on finally.

"So the Sith?"

"The dark side is more than the Sith. The Sith are but a shadow on the cave wall." Kenobi shakes his head. "No, the dark is more dangerous than that. Just like the Sith it will tempt you but not with power or riches. The dark is more generous because it will hide you from the truths you dare not face and comfort you with illusion. The dark's patience is infinite and it can afford to be patient because it knows that it always wins in the end." Caleb gets the feeling that Master Kenobi is no longer actually talking to him. He seems lost in memory, his mind metaphorically and possibly also literally in a different place. At the edge of Caleb's awareness he can feel hissed whispers of 'Die, Jedi, die' and Master Depa's unease. "The dark always wins because it is everywhere and eventually even the stars burn out."

Caleb feels so cold and he knows that that coldness comes from Master Kenobi and seeps out of fractured shields but he can't defend against it until Master Depa comes and reinforces his shields with her own. She is a steady presence at his side even though he can feel that Master Kenobi's words resonate in her, too. "Yes, Master Kenobi. The dark is generous and patient and it always wins," and she says it with such conviction but without the cold of Master Kenobi that Caleb doesn't feel as bad any longer, "but in it's strength lies its weakness. The slightest shred of light can hold it back. One stubborn Jedi who refuses to give in, is enough, and a Jedi who hopes, who trusts, who loves? Such a Jedi can ignite the stars anew."

So the dark side isn't the right answer either. Figures, Caleb thinks. Master Depa doesn't ask him many questions but when she does, they take time to answer.

The mission with Master Kenobi ends and they hurry on. Mygeeto comes and goes and Master Depa earns more flower pots in her quarters. They pin them down with mag-strips so the flowers don't fall over in case of aggressive manoeuvring in space. Before Caleb can wrap his head around all that is happening – and he suspects that Master Depa feels similarly – they are back with Systems Army Alpha.

He begins to suspect that Master Windu also feels tired and like he's harrying from place to place without a clear goal. Caleb doesn't like the thought so he pushes it back. At least for this moment they are in Master Windu's quarters – also full of flowers and he recognizes at least a few from his botany classes like the Ryloth shadow hyacinth – and as close to peace as possible.

"Master Windu?", he dares to ask before Master Depa can nudge him, "what do you think is the most dangerous to a Jedi?"

There's always a certain gravity about Master Windu, Caleb thinks, a certain intensity and it has just doubled. "Has Depa already taught you why Jedi form bonds?"

"No. I thought it just happens." Will Master Windu talk about attachments now? Hopefully not. Caleb has heard that lecture often enough in the Temple.

"That it does and it's good that it does." Caleb blinks in surprise. "The Force doesn't care for time or space or what we expect to be reality. I think you already noticed that. As Jedi, no, as Force sensitives we are bound to the Force, always, and the Force is a vast ocean that you drown in if there's nothing to hold you back. That's why we form bonds, so that we remember who we are and want to be. That's why isolation is so dangerous to a Force sensitive. It's easier to slip into the Force and get lost when there are no other bonds than that to the Force." Caleb thinks of the cold from Master Kenobi, of the hisses and the feeling the he had been literally in a different place. "You know that not all Jedi are always in the Temple. Some are wanderers and nomads. All of them vanish sooner or later and in most cases the cause isn't death, not initially. It's because they slip into the Force and can't find back. Sometimes it's only the mind and the body stays and dies and rots. Sometimes... it's better if they don't find back." Master Windu exhales heavily, a sound that for some reason makes the hairs in Caleb's back stand up. "You can't walk into the Force like that, lose all the bonds that tether you down and come back unchanged. Those who return, they forget... they forget that they are a person. They lost what makes them _them_ and what comes back is...," Caleb gets the impression of a hollowed out vessel, filled to the brim with the power of the Force, with fragments of memories and shards of emotions but all stuck together wrong, "different."

Caleb has felt this before. "Are you talking about the Dark Woman?" He's seen her once walk into a wall and there's talk among the youngling clans... it feels right.

He can almost hear the 'No' before Master Windu says "Yes." It's a lie. Well, not exactly a lie, but close enough. "So my answer is this. The most dangerous to a Jedi is the Force and that's why we have our rules and teachings. They are to protect the Jedi from the galaxy and the galaxy from the Jedi but most importantly to protect us from the Force."

"I think we could all stand a cup of tea now, Master. Would you mind if I brew some?"

A flicker of a smile. "That would be appreciated."

"Master?", Caleb asks as finally there's a lull in between the battles. Hyperspace isn't calm in the Force but it's better than another war-torn world. "I don't think I got my answer yet. I mean, I think all the answers I got were close and part of the puzzle but I can't fit them together."

Master Depa smiles. "Then let's sit down together and talk. Tell me, what were your answers?"

"I said it's the Sith because the Sith want to kill all Jedi," Caleb repeats as he folds his legs into a comfortable position. "But I guess because I know that, that makes the Sith less dangerous? Because if I know that they want to kill me or worse, I can prepare for that."

"That is correct, Padawan." Master Depa gently brushes against his mind in the Force. "An enemy that is known to you is less dangerous than one that is still hidden."

"Stance said something similar. That Jedi always leave our backs open and therefore a false friend would be the most dangerous." Caleb looks up awkwardly. "Do you think he's still angry that I got myself shot on his watch?"

"Considering that he's been right there with you, I think he's not one to talk." Master Depa grinned. "But he's not wrong. As Jedi our strength lies in our trust into the Force and each other and the bonds we form to others. Trusting the wrong person is a good way to get yourself killed. So what do you learn from that?"

Caleb mulls that over. "You said that to trust is our strength, so I don't think the lesson here is to not trust others in my back." Master Depa nods encouragingly. "But it's not wrong to be mindful either, because if foes can become allies and friends, then the other way is also possible. So the lesson is not to not trust but to check if my trust is justified?"

"Very good, Padawan. People change and not always for the better." There's a pang of self-reproach but it's easily shoved down again. "So it's important to listen to the Force, to your instincts and let them guide you."

"So that bad feeling I had when Stance talked about betrayal or when Marshall Commander Cody shot at me..."

"... is something worth looking into. The guidance of the Force is rarely easy to understand but it's never without reason." Master Depa envelops him into a Force-hug. "What else can you tell me?"

"You reasoned with Master Kenobi about the dark side." He send the hug back because he's still glad that his Master had protected him there. "Although I think that was more about him than about me?"

"You're growing very perceptive. Master Kenobi has faced a great trial, many trials, actually, that brought him in close contact with the dark side. Zigoola, the cold you felt, was only the latest of those." A flash of a mission report, of a sick and weak Master Kenobi. "It was my duty to remind him that while the dark is everything that he said it is, it can be overcome. I have become such a stubborn Jedi to not give in but so is he and I think," Master Depa tussles his hair, "you are such a Jedi, too."

Caleb can't help the glowing happiness he radiates into the Force at that praise. Then he turns somber again. "You didn't argue with Master Windu about the Force."

"Indeed." Master Depa leans back and rests her weight on her hands. "Just like what Obi-Wan said about the dark side, it's true what Mace said about the Force. We are bound to it and therefore there is no escape. Getting lost, slipping away... that's always just one mistake, one choice away from where we are now."

"But we were taught that the Force is our ally?"

"And so it is." A heavy sigh. "The Force is our ally and a powerful ally at that and therein lies its danger. At its core, the Force just is. It exists in the same way as an exploding star or a tempest. You can interact with the power there, draw strength from it but you always have to respect it and take care. Fly too close to a star and it will swallow you, ride a tempest without precaution and you will be torn apart."

"Is that what happened to Master Windu?", he blurts out and immediately wishes he hadn't. It's bad manners and Master Windu can be scary. He usually isn't and Caleb thinks that he tries very hard to not be but even when he's at his nicest, he's intimidating.

"In a way, but that's not for me to talk about."

Caleb scratches the back of his head. "So what is the most dangerous then?"

Master Depa nudges his hand. "We'll have to work on your Sabacc face. Remind me of that." He nods, although Caleb thinks it's technically not right for Jedi to play Sabacc. That's gambling, isn't it? "What do all those answers have in common?"

"They're all true?"

Master Depa nods. "And?"

"They're all about knowledge? About the Sith, about who to trust, about the dark side and the Force in general?" That... feels closer, actually.

"Whose knowledge? What is the common factor?"

"Me?" That doesn't sound right, but it feels right. In a way. "I'm the biggest danger to the Jedi, oh, I'm the biggest danger to myself?"

"Exactly." Despite the horrifying implications, Master Depa is smiling proudly at him. "And can you tell me why?"

Er.... "No? It feels right and you said to trust my instincts but I don't know why."

"The most dangerous paths you can walk are all dependent on you. They depend on your choices. Falling to the dark side is not like falling due to gravity. It's not something that just happens. It's a choice." Her voice is so soft when she says that, so soft and bitter. "It's a choice to become Sith and it's a choice to be cruel. It's a choice to walk out into the Force unprepared and never come back. It's a choice who to trust and who to turn your back to. Those are choices, your choices. So the most dangerous to yourself is you."

"And if I choose wrong?"

"That's the question, isn't it?" And once again Master Depa tussles his hair. "So let me give you another question. If you and Stance go into the refectory and you already look for a place to sit while Stance checks out what the refectory has to offer today and he comes back and tells you that you can choose from roasted chestnuts and dry rats but doesn't tell you about the grilled nunas, is the choice you make a true choice?"

Caleb glowers at his Master. "That's completely different. What if I choose to fall because I think that's the only way to save you except there were others that I didn't know about. I'd still have fallen."

"You're right. That was a bad metaphor." Master Depa sighs. "I'm not sure I have an answer for you. It is true that you'd have fallen and that there will be consequences to that fall. So maybe the question here is not what can be considered the right or the wrong choice because what is right or wrong? Maybe the question is what you can live with."

Now that sounds exactly like Temple classes and completely different at the same time. Caleb thinks that's because Master Depa has a lot more personal experience with this than the Masters that usually teach them in the Temple. "I think I'd like some tea now."

Master Depa laughs, not just a smile but a laugh. "And I wouldn't mind some roasted chestnuts. You think there's still some left from the Naboo shipment?"

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so, this was spawned by accident because I should have never been allowed in the general vicinity of the Force is eldritch concepts. And then there was this where I could not only write the Force as some kind of cosmic horror but also Depa and Caleb fluff paired with my "you have choices"-agenda.  
> There's also other stuff that happened which is why I now have plotnotes for a bigger fic that works with premises from this one-shot and Negotiator's Garden (which is why this is now a series). I'm so excited to write about _why_ the clones are gifting their Jedi with flowers and some other plot points, too^^  
> Also, erm, big, grovelling sorry, I guess. Yes, it had to be Stance who said that the Jedi's biggest danger is a false friend because they leave their backs open (although, given that I have these plot notes for a fluffy fix-it, I doubt that Order 66 will happen. For all I care, Palpatine can go and be eaten by the zillo beast). Same sorry for having Cody shoot at Caleb.  
> Obi-Wan's lineage is a disaster, you can't change my mind. Yoda? A disaster albeit mellowed out. Dooku? Requires no further explanation. Qui-Gon? neither. Actually. None of them require any explanation.  
> Oh, yeah, and this fic and possibly fic series is looking at somewhat canon-fitting timelines and doesn't care. I'm doing enough of that already in Paradoxa and this is for relaxation.  
> And I am so, so sorry for Obi-Wan pulling first a Plato and then a Matt Stover. At least I managed to physically restrain Depa from quoting Sun Tzu.


End file.
